STARSHIP OF FOOLS - (C) 1986 Jerry Kindall and Rex Crossley

CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

"Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known."
                                                            - Carl Sagan

     I arrived on the bridge to find everyone busily congratulating each
other.  I was congratulated several times myself before I heard somebody
suggest food.  They were getting ready to go down to the galley.
     "No, wait," I said.  "Allow me."  I closed my eyes, concentrated,
and visualized five extra-large pepperoni pizzas.  With a whoosh of
displaced air, they appeared in front of me.  There was applause
followed by a mad rush toward the pizzas.
     Melvin turned from the pizzas to glare at me.  "Where's the beer?"
     Silly me, I'd forgotten it.  I concentrated again, and the beer
appeared, along with soft drinks for the non-drinkers.  Melvin and
Chester attacked the beer greedily.  They could both use a good belt. 
Each snatched away a six-pack.
     It wasn't until I was eating my second slice of pizza that I
realized that I had conjured it (and the beer) without using the Orb. 
It had remained in my pocket all the time.  Could it be that I didn't
need it?  Perhaps it could supply magic power from my pocket.  I had to
test it.
     I took Zordoff aside and explained the situation to him while the
others continued to inhale food.  He agreed to hold the Orb for me while
I tried to conjure other items.
     I closed my eyes and envisioned a watermelon.  The task was more
fiendishly difficult than anything else I had attempted in my life. On
the other occasions I had used magic, I had known that the Orb was
helping me.  But now I knew I was on my own; Zordoff was holding the
Orb, and it could not aid me.
     I visualized the watermelon, filling in details until its colors
were vivid, until it was so realistic that my mouth started watering. 
Then I imagined it being real, and when I heard the swoosh of air, I
knew it was true.  I was truly the Chosen One, the most powerful
magician ever to live.
     I opened my eyes and beheld the watermelon.  At exactly that moment
Melvin turned toward us and shouted, "Hey!  Don't hog it all!"  I rolled
it to him.
     Zordoff touched my hand, and suddenly there was a telepathic link
between us.  We communicated in thoughts, not in words, as only
magicians can.  In that moment we exchanged more knowledge, experience,
and emotion than we ever could by ordinary means.  I broke the
telepathic contact realizing that Zordoff had given me all his skills,
skills I would use to fully realize my talents.  I knew I wouldn't be
needing the Orb any longer.  Zordoff had given me the greatest gift he
could give.
     As I stood, he held out the Orb to me.  "Keep it," I said, and I
meant it.  It was the only gift I could give him, even though it
couldn't match what he had given me.
     He looked at me.  "No, I cannot.  Once the Chosen One has been
found, the Orb is for him alone."
     I thought about that for a moment.  Was he right?  FILBERT's
library section might know.  I walked the library console and donned the
headset.  I would be able to hear the replies, but nobody else would.
     "FILBERT?" I whispered.
     "Yes?" he whispered back.
     "No, you don't have to whisper," I told him.  Him?  It?  Whatever. 
"Just make sure nobody can hear you, except me."
     "O.K.," he said in a normal voice.
     "FILBERT, can I give the Orb to Zordoff?"
     "Why do you want to do that?"
     "Because I have discovered that I don't need it to use my magic."
     "Acceptable," announced FILBERT, and I wondered briefly exactly
what he meant.  Acceptable for what?  "Opening data lock on paragraph
1172 column 106."  There was silence for five seconds, then I noticed
that data was appearing on the readout.  I read it quickly, then went
even more quickly as the data display speeded up.  I began using my
powers to gradually absorb the material magically.  In a minute and a
half I had read over a hundred pages of information on the Chosen One
and the Orb.
     Then I knew I could give the Orb to Zordoff, among many other
things that I now knew.  But there were more questions I wanted to ask
FILBERT.
     "How long have you known I was the Chosen One?"
     "Ever since you boarded."
     I considered that before deciding upon my next question.  "Why
didn't you give me this information before, then?"
     "It was not the appropriate time."
     "Elaborate."  As FILBERT replied, I glanced over at the others. 
Melvin was keeping them entertained by stuffing watermelon seeds up his
nose.  I sent him a blast of magic power and the seeds started to
sprout.  Within minutes, he had three full-grown watermelons hanging
from his nose.  Annoyed, he wrenched the vines from his nostrils.
     FILBERT continued, "My programming states that revealing the
secrets of the Orb to the Chosen One before he is ready will have a
negative effect on the Chosen One's ability.  The design is for the
Chosen One to discover his power through the Orb.  Then, after the
Chosen One has discovered his powers, I am to deliver the information to
him.  Most of the folklore and legend surrounding the Orb is just that:
folklore and legend.  The intensifying powers of the Orb are not useful
to the Chosen One, since he is already by definition the most powerful
magician in the universe, regardless of who posesses the Orb.  The Orb
is, however, useful to magicians such as Zordoff because it can
intensify their powers."
     I had just one more question.  "How do you know all this stuff?"
     "Look at my nameplate," was the reply.  "On the back of the
console."
     I removed the headset and went around to the back of the console. 
I read the nameplate; it explained everything.  It read:

                         ======================
                              FILBERT(TM)
                          Fearless Integrated
                         Literal Beer-Enjoying
                             Remote Terminal

                            Manufactured by:
                            O  R  A  C  L  E
                            Computer Systems
                            Oorlon, Sector 8
                         ======================
                                       
                                 * * *

     When I returned to the festivities (after giving the Orb to
Zordoff), they had finished the pizza and were seriously working on the
beer (Melvin was winning in that division).  
     Rhye was apologizing for all the inconvenience she had caused.
     "After all," she said, "it is your ship.  I can't tell you how to
run it.  But I have this mental problem, you see.  Every time I get
under stress, I get this overwhelming urge to clean.  Eventually it
wears off, but in the meantime, It's like I'm possessed.  Every
psychologist in the galaxy is baffled by it."
     Xorn and Donald were talking; they seemed to have hit it off almost
immediately.
     "Well," Xorn was saying, "with your mission in life, I think I know
the perfect place for you to get killed."
     Donald's eyes lit up.  "Where?"
     "It's a planet on the other edge of the galaxy.  It's full of
terrible horrors and vice versa."  He paused and shuddered at the
thought.  "It's called Planet X.  I can take you there."
     "Great," Donald said gleefully.
     "Anything for a suicidal maniac," said Xorn.  He turned to Melvin. 
"By the way, Melvin, where's the rest of your crew?"
     "Oh, I don't know.  When I teleported up from Alpha Beta Gamma
Delta Epsilon Pi Omega Four, the ship was empty.  So I just decided to
go on."
     "How long ago was this?"
     "Oh... about a month ago," Melvin answered.
     "You nerd!" Xorn exclaimed.  "They were probably buying you a
birthday present.  It's almost that time of year again!  They were going
to give you a surprise party and they invited me; that's why I'm here. 
Alpha Beta Gamma Delta Epsilon Pi Omega Four has the best gift shop in
the galaxy."
     "You mean..."
     "You stranded them on Alpha Beta Gamma Delta Epsilon Pi Omega Four
for a whole month, moron!"
     "Oh, no!" he exclaimed.  He strode to the communications console,
where a little quick fiddling with the dials put him in contact with his
crew on Alpha Beta Gamma Delta Epsilon Pi Omega Four (he was getting
better with the communication equipment).  They were at a party,
however, and were having such a good time that they didn't want to
leave.  They wished him a happy birthday, told him they'd mail him his
present, and hung up.
     He turned to us.  "Well, what do you guys want to do?"
     "I would like to get back to my planet," Zot said.
     "Is there a clinic eddywhere aroud here?" asked Snort.  "I deed to
get this cold taked care of."
     "I'm going with Xorn to Planet X," announced Donald.  "He told me
it was a really great place to die."
     "I don't remember," said Chester.
     "Drop me off on Marketworld," said Rhye.  "I parked my ship there
in orbit and I have some more shopping to do, besides.  Chester can come
with me."
     "You have a spaceship?" I asked casually.  As I understood it,
owning a spaceship was a little like owning a private jet or a yacht,
back on Earth, except more so.
     "Yes, of course.  Didn't you know?  No, I guess not; you're from
Earth.  My father is Sagittarius Sent 'ali, the billionaire."
     I was stunned.  Rhye was the daughter of a billionaire?
     "Now that I have regained my magic powers," said Zordoff, "I can
return home.  Matt Baker has given me the Orb."  He smiled.  "They will
welcome me, because of this."
     They all looked at me for an explanation.  "I don't need it
anymore.  It was only for developing my powers.  FILBERT briefed me on
being the Chosen One; the Oracle's company built him.  And I can't think
of anyone more deserving of the Orb than Zordoff."  The others murmured
agreement with my proclamation.
     Rhye looked at me with an expression that could have been
admiration.  Or, I decided, maybe it wasn't.
     We partied for a while longer, then Xorn stood up.  "Well, I guess
it's time for me and Donald to be leaving.  Oh, I almost forgot.  Here's
your present, Melvin."  He pulled a small package from his pocket and
handed it to the nerd captain.
     Melvin ripped the wrapping from it eagerly, then goggled at what he
saw inside.  "The triple-length live album from Pete Moss and the
Fertilizers!  Thanks a lot, Xorn!"
     "Think nothing of it.  Happy birthday!"
     We all sang a chorus of "Happy Birthday" to Melvin, who blushingly
admitted he had turned twenty-one years old.  Nerd years are apparently
somewhat shorter than Earth years so he was still only really about my
age.
     Melvin plugged the music chip into his monster stereo system and
cranked it up.  It was great heavy-metal music with a barbaric alien
twist.  I loved it.

          One sunny day I'm down at the dump
          Garbage is comin' in big white trucks
          Diggin' around to see what I can find
          Just can't get you outta my mind!
               COMPOST LUST
               I'm goin' insane
               COMPOST LUST
               You've rotted my brain
          Aiighhhhh!!!
                Screeeech!!!
                      Awwwwwwwkkk!!!
                            OH YEAAHH, BAYBEE!!! 

     After listening a couple more basically identical songs, Xorn and
Donald walked toward the elevator, waving goodbye.  "I hope you find
what you're looking for, Donald," said Melvin warmly.  "Good luck."
     Just then, the space yacht accelerated and slipped into hyperdrive.
 Xorn screamed.  "Aaaaaaaihee!  My ship!"  He pulled his hair, rent his
garments, and ran around like a madman.
     FILBERT was already analyzing the data from his scanners to give us
a report.  "Spaceship piloted by rodentoid lifeform matching parameters
of Bhujm, who escaped by disintegrating a hole in the wall of the
detention cell.  You should have searched him, guys.  And Jordann is
gone, too, but he's not on Xorn's ship, and he's not in my scanning
area.
     "Preliminary trajectory data indicates that the ship is headed
toward Planet X."
     "Follow that ship!" shouted Melvin.
     "Oh, well," sighed Xorn, "that's where I was going anyway."  Donald
nodded enthusiastically.
     Zordoff scrambled to the navigation console, flipped switches, and
brought the engines to life.  The ship trembled with power and
accelerated.
     We were off, in every sense of the word.

                                THE END 
